I feel like I'm in darkness. I don't know what's in store for my life, where I'm going, when I'll be leaving, what I'll be doing . . . and so on. Some people are able to make 10 year life plans, Jon and I have only ever been able to plan a few years of our life because God always changes our plans. Even those few years we plan always get changed. I'm not saying it's bad to plan ahead, in fact, I think it's good and productive. Just for our life, we've found that making long term plans don't work for us. So we set our goals based on the next couple of years, we have a vague idea of what we're gonna do within that timeframe and we remain open and willing for God to move His hand around and within that time to change our lives yet again. That's the thing with God, He will always change us if we let Him. He'll change our individual selves, our surroundings, our atmosphere. He will change us and it's always for the better. Sometimes that process of change hurts. Right now I feel like I'm in the darkness. Although I fully trust Him with my entire life and everything in it, it's still hard to not be sure of what's going to happen. Right now I feel like I'm in the dark with my life. I don't know where I will be as a person in the next few weeks, months, years. I mean, I know my roles and responsibilities as a wife and mother but I'm not sure about the other stuff. I feel like it's my birthday and He's leading me blindfolded to an amazing party. It's good coz I know it's gonna end up being something great, but the whole being led blindfolded is what scares me. I randomly opened the Bible this morning and found this passage that somewhat describes how I feel . . . “But he stands alone, and who can oppose him? He does whatever he pleases. He carries out his decree against me, and many such plans he still has in store. That is why I am terrified before him; when I think of all this, I fear him. God has made my heart faint; the Almighty has terrified me. Yet I am not silenced by the darkness, by the thick darkness that covers my face." (Job 23:13-17 NIV) Now I know I am no Job and that the things he went through are not comparable to me at all, but the idea of how great He is and how much control He has really brought me to revere Him once again. I made the choice to commit my life entirely to Him. Sometimes it hurts coz I feel like I have no control, no say, in my life . . . but at the same time I feel peace because I can rest, knowing that He's taking care of me, He's got it all under control. Even though I may be in 'darkness' I know I'm on my way to greater things, an amazing surprise. I don't like driving and I love being a passenger, it means I can enjoy the ride to our destination without worrying about how I'm getting there. I gave Him my drivers seat, so now I can just rest. I just have to remember not to be an annoying back seat driver. :p
btw . . . here's the song I've been jamming to while writing, thought I'd share =) "All I Need Is You"