I feel like I'm in darkness. I don't know what's in store for my life, where I'm going, when I'll be leaving, what I'll be doing . . . and so on. Some people are able to make 10 year life plans, Jon and I have only ever been able to plan a few years of our life because God always changes our plans. Even those few years we plan always get changed. I'm not saying it's bad to plan ahead, in fact, I think it's good and productive. Just for our life, we've found that making long term plans don't work for us. So we set our goals based on the next couple of years, we have a vague idea of what we're gonna do within that timeframe and we remain open and willing for God to move His hand around and within that time to change our lives yet again. That's the thing with God, He will always change us if we let Him. He'll change our individual selves, our surroundings, our atmosphere. He will change us and it's always for the better. Sometimes that process of change hurts. Right now I feel like I'm in the darkness. Although I fully trust Him with my entire life and everything in it, it's still hard to not be sure of what's going to happen. Right now I feel like I'm in the dark with my life. I don't know where I will be as a person in the next few weeks, months, years. I mean, I know my roles and responsibilities as a wife and mother but I'm not sure about the other stuff. I feel like it's my birthday and He's leading me blindfolded to an amazing party. It's good coz I know it's gonna end up being something great, but the whole being led blindfolded is what scares me. I randomly opened the Bible this morning and found this passage that somewhat describes how I feel . . . “But he stands alone, and who can oppose him? He does whatever he pleases. He carries out his decree against me, and many such plans he still has in store. That is why I am terrified before him; when I think of all this, I fear him. God has made my heart faint; the Almighty has terrified me. Yet I am not silenced by the darkness, by the thick darkness that covers my face." (Job 23:13-17 NIV) Now I know I am no Job and that the things he went through are not comparable to me at all, but the idea of how great He is and how much control He has really brought me to revere Him once again. I made the choice to commit my life entirely to Him. Sometimes it hurts coz I feel like I have no control, no say, in my life . . . but at the same time I feel peace because I can rest, knowing that He's taking care of me, He's got it all under control. Even though I may be in 'darkness' I know I'm on my way to greater things, an amazing surprise. I don't like driving and I love being a passenger, it means I can enjoy the ride to our destination without worrying about how I'm getting there. I gave Him my drivers seat, so now I can just rest. I just have to remember not to be an annoying back seat driver. :p
btw . . . here's the song I've been jamming to while writing, thought I'd share =) "All I Need Is You"
Happy New Year!!!! It's late yes, but at least it's still January!!!!! So, I'm reading this book called "Change Your Heart, Change Your Life" by Gary Smalley . . . yes, I'm actually reading. It's all about how our circumstances/situations don't control our happiness and how we should change the beliefs in our mind by changing our hearts thus changing our reactions to every situation. There's a lot more to it but basically we can all be joyful in everything, it's up to us. Our minds are underestimated controllers of our emotions. Have you ever thought bad thoughts about things that might happen or have imaginary fights in your head with people? Then after you're all mad about everything and no one knows why. Yup, that's the mind. It's crazy. I do that alll the time and I really should stop. What the book talks about is basically brainwashing your mind to the promises found in His word. Seriously hide the beliefs in your heart and believe them and soon your reactions, your emotional stability, everything doesn't seem to suck as bad. I'm doing the book no justice, just read it. I never read and I'm actually reading!!!! There's a lot of new stuff going on this year. New ministries, new trials, new hurts, new disappointments, and a whole lot of unknowns. When I don't know what's going on in my life I tend to go a little crazy. I worry, I create scenarios and obstacles in my head (that may in fact never happen), and I become tense and short tempered. A good friend of mine recommended this book to me and we are doing it together. We meet to talk about it and she has been a complete blessing and encouragement to me. I think when we are faced with the stuff that life throws at us, we really need to surround ourselves with good encouraging people who can pray with/for us. We need to turn to God first and foremost so we know we're not alone, to remember that we are holding His hand so we'll never get lost. We need to be brainwashed, get rid of all the bad stuff in our mind that tells us we're not good enough, or we're not loved, or that everything sucks. We need to wash our brains (get it, brain-wash) and fill it with good, productive, true thoughts. We need to immerse ourselves in truth, love, and all good stuff so that when the bad stuff happens, we have an abundant amount of strength and joy to protect us from letting the bad control our lives. There is always a battle, but we have already won. On a side note, I was battling this morning, my mind was taking over with bad stuff and everyone could tell coz I was acting all crazy and mad this morning (for no good reason). My amazing husband offerred to watch the kids AND do laundry so I can get out of the house (it was probably his nice way of saying "Please leave, we can't stand you right now"). He offered to do laundry so he was probably really desperate. Anywho, after meditating on His word and having some time to really commit my day to Him, I feel a lot better and I will return home a happy and loving person! See how powerful the mind is? Take control of your mind and I guarantee you can control your emotions and actions! God rocks!!!!!! "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4:8