In Darkness

Aavs has the best seat!  Relax and Enjoy the Ride!

I feel like I'm in darkness.  I don't know what's in store for my life, where I'm going, when I'll be leaving, what I'll be doing . . . and so on.  Some people are able to make 10 year life plans, Jon and I have only ever been able to plan a few years of our life because  God always changes our plans.  Even those few years we plan always get changed.  I'm not saying it's bad to plan ahead, in fact, I think it's good and productive.  Just for our life, we've found that making long term plans don't work for us.  So we set our goals based on the next couple of years, we have a vague idea of what we're gonna do within that timeframe and we remain open and willing for God to move His hand around and within that time to change our lives yet again.

That's the thing with God, He will always change us if we let Him.  He'll change our individual selves, our surroundings, our atmosphere.  He will change us and it's always for the better. Sometimes that process of change hurts.  Right now I feel like I'm in the darkness.  Although I fully trust Him with my entire life and everything in it, it's still hard to not be sure of what's going to happen.  Right now I feel like I'm in the dark with my life.  I don't know where I will be as a person in the next few weeks, months, years.  I mean, I know my roles and responsibilities as a wife and mother but I'm not sure about the other stuff.  I feel like it's my birthday and He's leading me blindfolded to an amazing party.  It's good coz I know it's gonna end up being something great, but the whole being led blindfolded is what scares me.  I randomly opened the Bible this morning and found this passage that somewhat describes how I feel . . .

        “But he stands alone, and who can oppose him? He does whatever he pleases. He carries out his decree against me, and many such plans he still has in store. That is why I am terrified before him; when I think of all this, I fear him. God has made my heart faint; the Almighty has terrified me. Yet I am not silenced by the     darkness, by the thick darkness that covers my face." (Job 23:13-17 NIV)

Now I know I am no Job and that the things he went through are not comparable to me at all, but the idea of how great He is and how much control He has really brought me to revere Him once again.  I made the choice to commit my life entirely to Him.  Sometimes it hurts coz I feel like I have no control, no say, in my life . . . but at the same time I feel peace because I can rest, knowing that He's taking care of me, He's got it all under control.  Even though I may be in 'darkness' I know I'm on my way to greater things, an amazing surprise.  I don't like driving and I love being a passenger, it means I can enjoy the ride to our destination without worrying about how I'm getting there.  I gave Him my drivers seat, so now I can just rest.  I just have to remember not to be an annoying back seat driver. :p

btw . . . here's the song I've been jamming to while writing, thought I'd share =)   "All I Need Is You"

BRAINWASHED

"Huh? A battle in our minds?"

Happy New Year!!!!  It's late yes, but at least it's still January!!!!!  So, I'm reading this book called "Change Your Heart, Change Your Life" by Gary Smalley . . . yes, I'm actually reading.  It's all about how our circumstances/situations don't control our happiness and how we should change the beliefs in our mind by changing our hearts thus changing our reactions to every situation.  There's a lot more to it but basically we can all be joyful in everything, it's up to us. Our minds are underestimated controllers of our emotions.  Have you ever thought bad thoughts about things that might happen or have imaginary fights in your head with people?  Then after you're all mad about everything and no one knows why.  Yup, that's the mind.  It's crazy.  I do that alll the time and I really should stop.  What the book talks about is basically brainwashing your mind to the promises found in His word.  Seriously hide the beliefs in your heart and believe them and soon your reactions, your emotional stability, everything doesn't seem to suck as bad.  I'm doing the book no justice, just read it.  I never read and I'm actually reading!!!!

There's a lot of new stuff going on this year.  New ministries, new trials, new hurts, new disappointments, and a whole lot of unknowns.  When I don't know what's going on in my life I tend to go a little crazy.  I worry, I create scenarios and obstacles in my head (that may in fact never happen), and I become tense and short tempered.  A good friend of mine recommended this book to me and we are doing it together.  We meet to talk about it and she has been a complete blessing and encouragement to me.  I think when we are faced with the stuff that life throws at us, we really need to surround ourselves with good encouraging people who can pray with/for us.  We need to turn to God first and foremost so we know we're not alone, to remember that we are holding His hand so we'll never get lost.  We need to be brainwashed, get rid of all the bad stuff in our mind that tells us we're not good enough, or we're not loved, or that everything sucks.  We need to wash our brains (get it, brain-wash) and fill it with good, productive, true thoughts.  We need to immerse ourselves in truth, love, and all good stuff so that when the bad stuff happens, we have an abundant amount of strength and joy to protect us from letting the bad control our lives.

There is always a battle, but we have already won.

On a side note, I was battling this morning, my mind was taking over with bad stuff and everyone could tell coz I was acting all crazy and mad this morning (for no good reason).  My amazing husband offerred to watch the kids AND do laundry so I can get out of the house (it was probably his nice way of saying "Please leave, we can't stand you right now").  He offered to do laundry so he was probably really desperate.  Anywho, after meditating on His word and having some time to really commit my day to Him, I feel a lot better and I will return home a happy and loving person! See how powerful the mind is?  Take control of your mind and I guarantee you can control your emotions and actions!  God rocks!!!!!!

"Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4:8

What's Up Doc?

So I have some time once again in Tim Hortons.  Today it's a white hot chocolate and too many cookies for one person but oh well!  There are so many things I wanna say to all the wonderful people who may read this.  I guess this will just be an update on what's been happening in the past few months and what's gonna happen in the months to come.  I totally would rather tell you what's up in person and hear what's up with you in person but sometimes it's hard to do with a toddler clinging to my leg and a baby  hanging off my arms but I guess blogging should do!  =)

Aaven: My little baby turned 3 on September 15th!!!!!  AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!  He's into fighting (probably because of the new muay thai ministry), his little babies (stuffed little animals he treats as babies . . . a little weird but very cute), and saying mommy every 23 seconds . . . literally.  He's potty training right now, yay me.  It's hit and miss . . . literally.

Myla:  She's turning 1 this December 5!!!!!!  Sooo fast!!!  She's into smiling, throwing food on the ground, and climbing up the stairs (but she's not allowed!!!!).  She's so special and awesome.  I call her my hairless, big tooth wonder.  She also learned to walk and looks like a zombie doing it!!!!  I feel sad coz it's like I missed out on her year of life coz I had to share my time with Aavs.  I miss her childhood!!!!  Jon assures me she won't remember.  =)

Jon:  My husband turned 30 on November 22!!!!!!!  I love him so much!  I am so proud of him and so blessed to be by his side.  30 wonderful years of life, 13 of them he was blessed to share with me! ;)  He's doing a lot, busy with Tuesday House Church, Thursday Muay Thai, and new ministry opportunities which he'll update the world on. =)

Myself:  As of October 8, I am a young 29! :p  Busy potty training, aiding a teething baby, supporting an amazing husband, and sneaking naps in as often as I can!  A job opportunity came up and I almost started working . . . it consisted of international traveling so it didn't happen but I think I am now mentally prepared to return to work if an opportunity arises. I originally wasn't planning to work until Aavs started school next September but if there's an opportunity, I'm gonna trade these jogging pants for jogging pants that could pass as dress pants!  =)  So, if any of you know of a job opening for admin of some sort, let me know!  =)

Things to come . . . lots of stuff I'm sure! hee hee, well, Christmas!!!!!!  We are so super excited to share Christmas again with all our family here.  It will be Myla's first winter and Canadian Christmas!!!!  Aaven sometimes wakes up crying "I'll never find winter", so I'm sure he can't wait for snowfall.

Anywho, that's all for me!!!!!  I hope you are all doing well and please let me know if there's anything for you I can pray for.  =)  You can email me at carmi_rose@hotmail.com or facebook me!  Looking forward to seeing your face, yeah you, I mean you!  =)  Love and Blessings!

Wearing Thin

How I feel on the inside, displayed on the outside. :p

I feel like a rubber band being pulled so far that I'm about to snap.  I feel overwhelmed by the little mundane tasks of everyday life.  I feel the pressures and expectations from those around me.  I feel weak.  I feel alone in a crowd.  It feels like it just doesn't stop.  And surprise, surprise, it doesn't stop.  Every day it happens all over again. Life happens.

Although this is me venting, it is also me working out loud how to help myself.  What can I do?  What is God trying to teach me?  Firstly, I hear him saying "you're doing it all wrong".  I'm doing it wrong.  I'm waking up every morning dreading the day.  I should be finding my strength in Him.  I should be giving it to Him instead of living with my feet dragging, I should be letting Him carry me.  I'm not letting Him carry me.  I'm like a kid complaining how tired I am of walking yet never asks to be carried.  Lord carry me.

I need to step away sometimes from who I am to others to reflect on who I am in Him.  Sometimes the role of being a wife, mother, friend, and so on gets to be a lot.  I feel like I have a lot to do for others, I feel like I'm wearing thin, being spread too far.  This is when I need to step back and remember who I am in Him, to focus on who He wants me to be and to find strength in Him.  Right now I'm in Tim Hortons doing that.  Finding myself in Him (and in a french vanilla cappuccino!)  I haven't blogged since June and it feels like I haven't had my own time since then. I'm sure I have, it just doesn't feel like it.

If you're reading this, I know you must be able to relate.  Life beats us up sometimes.  Life feels tiring, tearing, and troublesome. Sometimes we wake up not looking forward to the day that lies ahead.  We feel like everyday is the same old mundane routine of life, not knowing when the cycle will change or end.  It's at this point we must step away and focus on Him, who we are in Him, and what we need to do for Him.  It's all about Him, and not about us.

I feel better now.  hee hee.  After some devotion, reflection, and hardcore prayer (and chicken salad sandwich on a cheese croissant) I feel like I am reminded of what He calls me to do.  And whatever that is, I am going to do it thankfully.  As Col. 3:17 reminds me "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

As Anna Nalick sang "these are my diaries spoken out loud". Thanks for sharing my life with me!  =)

Who Am I?

Tired mom and gooby kids. =)

I kinda don't remember who I am anymore.  I mean, I know who I am but sometimes I'm so busy fulfilling my 'role' as wife and  mother that I forget that I am Carmi, a person.  Sounds funny, I know. Everyday is the same for me.  Someone once asked what I was doing over the long weekend and I was like "it's a long weekend?" coz everyday is the same when you're a stay at home mom.  Don't get me wrong, I am blessed, satisfied, joyful, and happy being a stay at home mom.  I love my kids and I love this role God has set out for me.  It's just sometimes we moms need some time to get back to who we are apart from the hustle and bustle.

My very amazing husband offered to take the kids for a couple of hours so I could have some alone time.  He usually does this when he notices I'm crying over spilled milk (literally), putting Aaven's clothes on Myla, or I complain I haven't taken a shower in a week (gross, i know).  Now I am in Tim Hortons, reflecting on my life and the goodness of our God.  I get to eat this donut slowly without sharing, check my email without a baby tapping on the keyboard, and think about who God made me to be and what He wants me to do with it.

I am still Carmi, just a different kind.  I'm mom Carmi now. I now miss great girl time events coz of sick babies, when I go out I am on curfew coz babies have bedtimes, I have permanent bodily wiggles and jiggles and my kids can play snake and ladders on my stretch marks.  But I am still me.

On a side note, I have realized that I'm not young and cool anymore (if I ever was to begin with).  I was at a youth event a few weeks ago.  I thought I was one of the youth, just jammin to music and talking to friends.  The next day I saw one of the guys who were at the youth event and he was like "Hey, you're that mom from last night".  That mom?  I'm not that pretty girl from last night, or that cool chick hanging out last night? I'm now that mom.  It aged me instantly.  So, in conclusion, I just wanna share to whoever may read this that moms are people too. Sometimes they are people who would like to be referred to as pretty mommas, cool chicks who make chicks, and mother awesomeness. But really, moms are just like you, someone else's child.

NOTHING'S WAITING FOR YOU!!!!!!

Life doesn't stop moving.  Time doesn't stop.  Everything keeps moving . . . and so should we.

We just moved back to Canada, we're exactly where we were 2 years ago. It's the same, but different.  God has plans, we have our paths, and we should keep moving forward.  Do new things, and have new experiences.  Our life in the Philippines taught us so many new things, opened our eyes to do things in new ways and more importantly, to not be afraid to try something new.  What I feared was that returning home to Canada would bring us exactly where we last were.  As if nothing happened.  That's a waste.  I don't want the past 2 years to feel like a waste, and it would be if we came back and did exactly what we were doing, it would be a waste if nothing changed.

Oh where has the time gone?

When stuff happens I believe God is doing something, teaching us, giving us opportunities.  I don't think He wants us to live life sitting still, I believe He wants us to do something, to keep moving forward.  When we were in the Philippines, our lives changed.  Being back home feels the same, but different. Our surroundings may be the same, but we are different.  We know we are called to do something different, to try something new, we are waiting for His timing to do so.  When something happens in our lives, let us be open to change, let us be open to movement.  Nothing stops, everything keeps moving, and so should we.  Let's move forward in our lives, let us not be stuck in a mindset, but instead let us be free to experience His ability to change us and our circumstances. Time doesn't stop, so why should we?

The Adventure Continues . . .

The best Starbucks on planet earth!!!!

I was thankful to be given an hour to leave my house and be by myself while Jon watched our attached and needy children.  I went to my favorite ‘alone time’ spot, Starbucks.  Just on a sidenote, this is no ordinary Starbucks. This is a “Cheers” kind of Starbucks where ‘everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came’.  They know my name, my order, my family, I know their names, their shifts, and their voices.  They are a home away from home.  I’ve grown to love the atmosphere there.  So I sat in my usual comfy couch with my drink and my journal.  I reflected on God’s calling to me this past year, my experiences, and the upcoming ‘unknown’.

God’s amazing.  He really knows what He is doing, especially when we do not.  We came here almost a year and a half ago thinking we knew what to expect.  This past year was the year of the ‘unexpected’.  God works, we just follow.  I am thankful for this time in the Philippines.  I’m grateful for the ministries, the people, the experiences, and the life changing shift of calling.  There are so many things I want to say, express, explain but I think it would take too long and it may be one of those things that only I’m supposed to understand coz God wrote it out just for me.  What I can say is that when we follow God, He leads us to exactly where we need to be.  We thought we knew what we needed, where we wanted to be, and what we wanted to do.  We had to let go of our own expectations in our life and be open to God’s leading.  Everything changed . . . for the better, no actually, for the best!  Thanks be to God.

Over a year ago I was pondering the unknown.  What are we going to do in the Philippines, where are we going to live, how am I going to raise my child in a country foreign to me?  All I knew for sure was that His calling is greater then my fears.  We went where we were called and are blessed by His leading.  Here I am again pondering the unknown.  We’re coming ‘home’ in about a week.  It’s funny how something I’ve known so well and called home for my entire life is now my ‘unknown’.  I don’t know exactly what we’re going to do in Canada, how we’re going to do this financially, what ministries we will begin.  We will arrive, unpack, and wait for Him.  I fear Canada as it is now my new ‘unknown’.  I don’t know what’s going on but again all I know for sure is that His calling is greater then my fears. A friend said that we’re in a good position because the less ties and structure we have in our life, the more free we are to follow His leading.  I kinda feel that way.  I feel like at this point we can go anywhere and do anything because there’s nothing holding us down.  We are free to move forward. I guess that’s what being a Christian is all about, reminding ourselves to let go of the things that are unnecessary and live freely in Christ.  I had to move across the world to really learn that.  I like how the next step is ‘unknown’ and how I feel like I have to put ‘home’ in parentheses . . . it just reminds me that we have a mission, and a purpose and everyday is an adventure.  One day I will be going home, until then there’s work to be done.

Carmi the Murderer

Don't be fooled.  She's alive!

So, I've never been called a murderer before.  Last week some random lady called me a murderer because of the way I carry Myla.  In Canada it is very normal to have baby carriers, you know, the one that you strap to the parent and the baby fits snugly and comfortably inside.  We brought a carrier to the Philippines because strollers are not so convenient when the sidewalks have motorcycles driving on them and pot holes.  We use the carrier daily, in the house, whenever we go outside, it's our life saver (especially with two kids, it frees up both hands).  Anywho, in the Philippines carriers are not common at all.  EVERY TIME we use the carrier in public we receive stares, glares, pointed fingers, and comments from strangers about how the baby is not happy in there.  We're very much used to it as it happens so often.  Last week I was walking in the mall with Myla in the carrier and a lady walking towards me screams angrily "Pumapatay" and continues to walk past me.  I look behind me to see who she could be yelling at.    There's no one there.  The only people in the hallway are me and Myla, the screamer lady, and a few workers who popped their heads out of the stores to see what the commotion was about.  By the time I realized she was referring to me, she was out the door.  Pumapatay is from the verb patay which means dead.  Pumapatay is kinda like saying 'she's dying'.  Anyways, I was so super offended, frustrated, and annoyed.  I just wanted to scream "SHE LIKES IT IN HERE" or "LET ME CARRY YOU IN HERE AND YOU'LL LOVE IT!!!!".  I hated feeling judged when it was out of ignorance.  People don't know how normal it is to use a carrier in Canada.  They don't understand that she's safe and comfortable and if she didn't like it she would be crying instead of sleeping.  She sleeps in there coz she's comfy, not coz she's dead.  I was thinking, at least I carry my own baby, everyone else here has a katulong (nanny) who carries their baby for them.  At least I raise my own children, when everyone else hires someone to raise their kids for them.  Then the ignorance slapped me in my own face.  

I'm just as ignorant.  I judge them for the way they raise their kids and they judge me for the way I raise mine.  I do not like being judged out of ignorance so I shouldn't judge others either.  I may not understand it, but it doesn't make it wrong.  Parenting is like that, I think.  I hear a lot of non mothers say things that they would and wouldn't do when they have kids.  I used to do the same before I had kids.  I hear a lot of parents say what things should be done with/for their kids and I know at times I do the same.  Parenting is just as different as the individuals who are parents.  Everyone's gonna do things differently.  I think it's fine, interesting, and fun to share stories and experiences with other parents.  I would draw the line when it comes to thinking that someone else is wrong in what they're doing and what I'm doing is right (unless it's a moral issue, some things should be universal).  One of my pregnant friends said it right when she said she'll "Never say Never".  She won't say she'll never do this or that coz things change and maybe she would do what she normally wouldn't.  Everything changes, even opinions.  I'm ignorant, I admit it.  But I still think if I put the yelling lady in the baby carrier she'd fall asleep.  =)

Lots to do . . . nothing fits.

This is gonna be a short one.  Jon's carrying Myla, Aaven requires my attention (his puzzle apparently 'snot working'), and I still gotta clean.  There's lots to do.  A lot to do right now, a lot to do in the next 7 weeks, and a lot to do when we get back to Canada.  Right now we've just gotta get dinner done and clean the house.  In the next 7 weeks we gotta prepare our moving countries . . . nothing's gonna fit in our luggages.  When we get back to Canada, we gotta start up a different life again.  Everything changes, nothing is forever.  There's lots to do.

Just to relate it to our ministry . . . there will always be a lot to do for God.  Life changes, time moves, and the work is plenty.  Sometimes in the busy-ness of our lives we feel like stuff doesn't fit in our schedules.  When we feel like that, we've just gotta get rid of what we don't need and make the stuff that's important fit.  That's what we're gonna do with our luggage.  I'm gonna leave behind the clothes that don't fit my post-pregnancy 'I still look pregnant' body and bring a wooden boat home instead.  At least I won't have to try the boat on.

He doesn't fit . . . now to fit another kid in there too. (old pic, he def won't fit now)  hee hee

What's New?

It's a new year so what's new?  Just wanted to post an update on what's new with the Edralin family.  =)  We've been in the Philippines for over a year now and I believe I've become more Filipino.  I can now j-walk like a boss.  Cars do not scare me!!!!  I get cold in 28 degree weather and wear a jacket . . . yes, a jacket.  I'm now one of those people I used to smirk at who were wearing winter clothing while I was sweating.  I now say "for a while" when I want someone to wait a minute and I have accepted the fact that I am a "maam/sir" when being addressed by sales associates.  Philippines is a wonderful country and the people are amazingly compassionate, considerate, hospitable, and polite.  I hope to have developed these traits as well before we leave the Philippines!

Myla at 1 month (and apparently terrified of the camera)

The biggest new thing came to us at 6lbs 13oz . . . Myla Jade, our newest family member!!!!  She was born on December 5 and came really fast!!!!  I made a huge scene and delivering was definitely an adventure.  You can read more about it on our family blog, Epic Birth.  Myla is our only filipino born baby but must be canadian at heart coz she's on Toronto time.  She sleeps in the day an is awake ALL NIGHT!!!!  The joys of parenting.  She's 6 weeks right now and is a chunky 10lbs.  Her rolls have rolls and she eats like she's never had food before.   She has the biggest smiles when she sleeps, yet rarely smiles when she's awake.  She must be having good dreams.   I love her.

Aaven's big smile (clutching his "car toy" in pocket)

Aaven is doing well, making a mess as I type this.  He's funny.  When he sees the cartoon of Captain Hook on TV he thinks it's Jesus.  I don't see the resemblance.  He loves eating "noonils" which are noodles, and when he plays with his GI Joes he says they're eating rice.  I guess that's the Filipino in him. He'll stop eating if he sees crumbs, then he'll go get the dustpan and clean before he resumes his meal.  When I say something is broken or needs batteries, he ALWAYS grabs his toy drill and says "I fix".  He'll drill the thing for a long time . . . but has yet to really fix it.  hee hee.  When he gets hurt he says "sorry" but rarely apologizes when he accidentally hurts others.  He's an awesome big brother.  He loves Myla, he shows her all his toys, makes GI Joe tickle her, and he randomly kisses her and holds her hand.  I love him. 

Jon and I are getting used to our new routine of being parents of two.  Jon is awesome.  He does as much as humanly possible with the kids when he's home, then he's off using his amazing God-given gifts serving our Lord.  I am constantly amazed by who he is and who God continues to make him.  I am never short of a laugh with him around.  He makes life interesting, exciting, joyful, and adventurous.  I love him.

As for me, I'm doing well.  My eyebags have baby bags.  Lack of sleep.  My ears are now oblivious to the sound of crying, and I can now eat my meals in 2 mins or less (gotta eat fast, usually on a time crunch before a child is in need).  Although I feel the strain of being a mother, I am blessed to be one and can't picture doing anything else.  God has blessed me with the opportunity to stay at home with my children for this time in my life and I will try my hardest to not take it for granted.  You gotta appreciate what you're doing at this very moment coz this moment will pass and will never return.  =)

We are constantly seeking God's guidance in our lives.  We are asking for patience, peace, and strength as we pray that He will show us where we need to be and when He wants us to be there.  Our future is unknown to us but well written and known by our Maker.  Although our plans may not work out exactly as we expect, we are blessed because His plans always do.  =)  We're embracing the unknown and will always follow our Lord, even when we're in the dark.  Although we may not see the next step, we know we are being led by our Father who is never in the dark.  He is our light, our guide, and we will continue to follow Him all the days of our lives . . . hopefully our children will do the same.  =)

Myla chatting her Kuya's ear off.

Devotions: Wait

Scripture Reading: 

Psalm 40:1  “I waited patiently for the LORD;

   he turned to me and heard my cry.”

I’m almost 39 weeks pregnant and I’ve been waiting and expecting her to arrive every day since week 36!  I feel like I’m in limbo, in a coma like state where I can’t do anything until it’s time to wake up . . . and wake up time is when she’s here.  During this time of wait I sit, and sit, and walk and sit again.  I keep telling her to come out but I know that she’ll come when she’s good and ready and that’s in His perfect timing. 

I guess in life there are these transition phases.  A time that feels like nothingness until the next thing happens.  A time in between phases of life.  Maybe you’ve felt stuck in the same routine of life and you’re waiting for the next ‘thing’ to happen.  Maybe you’re in between making large decisions or you’re waiting for an answer to one of life’s many questions.  Whatever you’re waiting for relax and enjoy this time.  This is a time to wait on Him and His good and perfect timing.  Reflect on His words and rest in Him.  I guess it’s kinda like flying from one destination to another.  When you’re on the plane, you can’t do anything but wait to land.  You may be anxious about what awaits you on the other side but the plane ride is your time to sit back and watch movies, take a needed nap, or reflect about experiences from the place you’re leaving and preparing for the adventure that awaits.  The good thing is, you’re moving forward, towards something.  So if you’re in a time of wait like me . . . sit back and enjoy the ride, you will be arriving at your destination shortly.  “Thank You for flying Life airlines, This is your pilot God . . . you’re in good hands”.

Reflect in Action:

What do you do in your time of wait?  Maybe write in your journal reflecting on the experiences that have brought you to this point in life and committing your future destination to the only one who can bring you there . . . God.  In His perfect timing.

AM I ENOUGH?

I have a lot of fears about being inadequate in life.  Sometimes I go through these feelings where I think I’m not enough.  I question if I’m enough of a wife for Jon, or enough of a mother for Aaven (and soon to be Myla).  Am I who I need to be for them, am I all that I can be for them?  Am I enough of a friend, sister, daughter? 

In whatever relationship we could have, whether it be with a boyfriend/girlfriend, parent/ child, husband/wife, or in our friendships, there is a question regarding our roles.  Are we fulfilling our roles and are being ‘enough’ for that other person.  Are the other people in our lives enough for us?  Sometimes I feel like I’m not enough to fulfill my role for others.  Sometimes I get disappointed because I feel like others are not fulfilling my expectations of who they should be for me.

Then I remember . . . it will never be enough.  I will never be enough for anyone else and no one else will ever be enough for me.  Others are not meant to fulfill us entirely nor are we meant to fulfill others.  We can strive to do our best and be willing and humble enough to allow our Lord to change us in the ways He needs us to be, but I don’t think He’ll really change us to benefit others, but rather to better serve Him.  When we allow God to change us, that in turn makes us better people and allows us to serve others better . . . but not necessarily to be enough for them.  I don’t think we’re meant to be ‘enough’ for others or for others to be ‘enough’ for us because that’s His role.  God is more than enough for me, and more than enough for you.

Now as I look at my inadequacies I remember that although I can try to be the best wife and mother, I am not meant to fulfill their lives, I am only meant to try my best and hope that in turn my family will forgive me of my faults and only look to Him to fulfill them in the way they need to be filled.  I shouldn’t be enough for them; they deserve much better.  But I can hope and pray that they will grow to know that satisfaction is from Him, people will always be lacking, but He is more than enough.  Okay . . . that’s enough.  =)

Not enough ice cream.
Not the same meaning . . . but I can relate.

ENOUGH by Chris Tomlin

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply my breath of life

And still more awesome than I know

You are my reward worth living for

And still more awesome than I know

You're my sacrifice of greatest price

And still more awesome than I know

You're the coming King you are everything

And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want, more than all I need

You are more than enough for me

More than all I know, more than all I can say

You are more than enough for me

Devotions: The Next Stage

Scripture Reading:

Ecclesiastes 3:1

“There is a time for everything,

   and a season for every activity under the heavens”

My tired not-baby.

So my son Aaven just turned 2 and I just tried to rock him to sleep in my arms.  Yes he’s much too big for me to carry (especially since I’m carrying a baby in my tummy) but there are times that I just don’t want him to grow up.  I want to hold him like a baby, even though he wants to escape me.  I want him to stay near me always so I can keep him safe, even though he wants to venture away from me and try dangerous new things.  I want him to know he’s loved always, even though he may doubt it when he is in trouble.  He’s growing up and off to the next stage in life . . . I don’t want to let him go.  I think being a mother has really opened my eyes to view my children the way God views His children.  I’m sure He doesn’t want to let us go try new things He knows is not good for us, or want us to doubt His love for us, but He lets us go anyway because He loves us enough to give us our freedom.  I can imagine how God must feel when we fail or fall and hurt ourselves.  Or how hurt He must be when we blame Him when all along He’s just trying to teach us and protect us.  I fear the day Aaven is able to turn his back on me and disregard my love.  Thinking about that possibility makes me want to run to my heavenly Father and apologize for ever turning my back on to Him.  All I want is the best for my children and I know that means letting go, no matter how hard that is for me.  I have to let Aaven grow up.  I thank God for letting me grow up and for giving me my freedom.  It is in that freedom where I learned to appreciate His love for me.  God’s the best mom and dad!

Reflect in Action:

Write a letter to your child and tell them how much you love and appreciate them.  Tell your child how precious they are to you and give examples of how you delight in them and all the things you hope for them in the future.  Date the letter and put it in an envelope.  Give your child that letter in 10 years, yup 10 years!!!!!  They’ll appreciate it and it’ll give them a little insight to how you’ve always loved them!  God wrote us a love letter a long time ago and think about how much we appreciate that every time we read about His love for us.

Devotions: Guide the Light

Scripture Reading:

Matthew 5:13-16

 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

    “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

As children of God, we are responsible to be the ‘light in dark places’.  We are His example of love and we are to shed hope to the hopeless.  We are called to deliver this world in His name, in hopes to have others know Him.  As mothers raising little disciples of our own, we are responsible to help raise our child in His knowledge, guiding them to know Him and to eventually become a little light for Him.  Aaven loves playing with flashlights.  He turns them on and goes wild, trying to find where the light hits.  He doesn’t quite have control of the light but nonetheless can tell if the flashlight is on or off.  He has trouble finding the light when the house is already bright.  When hurricane Pedring hit us in the Philippines a couple weeks ago, we were without power and electricity and so we used flashlights all night. The light is so much stronger in the dark and I think he appreciated the light more during the power outage because it’s more apparent when it was pitch black and the flashlights were necessary.  He’s still small and until he can truly control the light, I had to help him guide the flashlight towards what we needed to see. After doing this for an hour or so, I saw it as an analogy.  In our children’s younger days, we have to teach them that they are indeed a light in the dark world and until they can fully understand it, we have to guide that little light.  They are capable of so much and we can only pray that when they are old enough to make important decisions, that they will choose the right path and use their capabilities to serve Him and others.  Until they have full control of the light that they can be, we must guide them and show them how strong and effective a light can be in dark places.  A light is used best in the dark, it is not needed in a bright room and it serves its purpose in places with no light.  Let us be a light to our children and help guide them to be little lights of their own.  Don’t forget to buy extra batteries!  =)

Reflect in Action:

Take a flashlight and play with your child.  Watch them enjoy finding the light in dark places.  If your child is older, talk to them and tell them about how important it is to be a light in dark places.  Pray for your children (or child to be) and ask God to give us guidance as mothers to help bring them up in His knowledge, to be lights ourselves and to help them become a light of their own.

28 . . . so what!

The wisest bottle I own.

So I turn 28 today and I wanted to jot down some key things that stood out to me when reflecting on the past 28 years.  This is more so for my own memory and reflections and I would do it when I turn 30 but my lululemon water bottle says “do it now do it now do it now”. 

Here we go . . . mind you, not that interesting, just a lot of moving, you’ll see what I mean.

October 8, 1983 – Born in Mississauga, ON – Carmi Rose Tunay

1987 – moved from apartment to Valley’s townhouse

– June 21 my favorite one and only sister Maricar Grace    

Tunay was born!

1989 – family drove across Canada to British Columbia in a moving 

             truck, celebrated my 6^th birthday in one of the prairies in a Tim Horton’s on a cliff.

            - lived in a motel for about a month

            - moved into an apartment

            - moved to Curlew Drive in Abbotsford, BC (house #5 in my lifetime)

1991 – visited Philippines for a month

1993 – moved from Curlew Drive to another house in Abbotsford

            - moved from Abbotsford back to Mississauga, ON(Ventura’s house)

            - moved from Ventura’s house to Dundas apartment

1994 – moved to Brampton, Ontario (house # 9)

2000 – started dating my best friend Jonathan Edralin (at the time aka ‘madmidget’) hehe

2001 – moved to Hillcrest in Mississauga

2002 – graduated high school at Turner Fenton

2003 – moved to Hanson Rd

2005 – moved to Robert Speck

2006 – graduated from University of Toronto

            - got engaged

2007 – moved to Etobicoke, ON

            - Jon and I bought our first home on Acorn (house #14)

            - June 8 – married my best friend – now known as Rev. Jonathan Edralin (dropped the      

            madmidget)

2009 – September 15 – our gooby son Aaven Carlos David Edralin is born!

2010 – Jon and I bought our second home on River Grove (house # 15)

2011 -  moved to the Philippines (house #16)

            - our daughter Myla Jade Edralin is expected to arrive shortly

When I look back on my life the main thing I think about is change.  In 28 years I’ve gone to 7 different schools, lived in 16 different homes in 3 different provinces, in 2 different countries . . . and more to come I’m sure.  I’ve never really been attached to a house or looked back and related a specific place as ‘home’ because I’ve moved so often.  Maybe that was God preparing me to be a missionary.  Maybe that was God teaching me that my home is not on this earth.  When we were at a missionary conference in Bali, one thing really stuck with me and that was the fact that one day we will all be going home.  Home is not on this earth, and every moment that passes brings us one moment closer to when we will indeed go home.  This year I’ll be spending my birthday in the Philippines.  If God wills me to live until 29 only He knows where I will be. Our lives are His and I’m excited to see where He will lead us.  This life is an adventure and as I look back on my past 28 years I feel blessed.  Not because I’ve done anything super amazing but because He’s allowed me to see His grace in my life and that throughout all the changes that’s happened, despite all the places I’ve lived or been, He’s been there and has been the ONLY thing that’s stayed the same.  That lets me live the rest of my life feeling safe in a world of uncertainty . . . through it all He knows me, my life, my future, and will hold my hand until He needs me to finally come home.  So what, I’m 28 . . . age ain’t nothing but a number, it’s more of a count down of when I finally go home, I’m just trying to keep busy until then.

10 Reasons why my child is better than yours . . .

This may upset some people, but just keep reading.

10 Reasons why Aaven seems better than other kids

1.  Aaven was born in Canada (an amazing country) 

2.  He can afford to eat pretty much whatever he wants.

3.  Most of his clothes don’t have holes or stains.

4.  He has an abundance of toys.

5.  He sleeps in his own bed.

6.  He’s traveled to more countries in 2 years than most have in their whole lives.

7.  He can afford to play in clean parks and indoor playgrounds.

8.  He’s usually clean.

9.  When he’s old enough, Aaven will have an amazing education.

10.  When he’s older, Aaven will have options and opportunities.

One of God's children.

There are so many homeless children in the Philippines.  We see them everywhere.  They’re begging at car windows, they’re sleeping on the sidewalks, they’re walking around bare foot beside us.  Sadly I think that I see them so often I’ve become desensitized to the overwhelming disparity.  Why is my child in a better position then they are?  What did Aaven do to deserve to live a better life then the boy on the streets?  Aaven did nothing to deserve his life.  He was born into it.  The boy on the streets did nothing to deserve his life.  He too was born into it. 

In God’s eyes they are one and the same.  Not one child better than the other.  Both precious in His sight and loved equally, but for some reason on this earth they are different.  They look different, they sleep, eat, and live complete opposite lives.  But they are one and the same.

Also God's child.

If Aaven was on the streets, would I not do all I could to rescue him?  Would I not risk my life to provide a better life for him?  I would do anything to help my family, I would so desperately do anything to feed and clothe him.  If the homeless child has parents, I’m sure they are risking their lives doing desperate things to take care of their children.  When you see a prostitute, think of the child that awaits for his mom to return home. 

I’m sure the poverty in Canada is much different.  It’s rare to see a homeless child sleeping on the street, we have child services and government organizations that assist with that kind of severity but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.  Sometimes the poverty in the Philippines is so overwhelming that it’s almost hopeless.  There’s just too many people, too many circumstances that prohibit the improvement of these social issues.  

So what can be done?  What can we do to help?  Pray and pray hard.  Put our own selfishness, our own issues, our own vain desires aside and think about the others that God loves just as much as us.  If you’re reading this, then you can afford a computer and internet.  That makes you far better off than the people I’m talking about.  What did you do to deserve the position in life God’s given you?  Nothing.  We could have been born in a third world country, with different social circumstances, on the streets . . . but we weren't.  We are in this specific place in our lives at this specific time for a reason.  Ask God to open your heart . . . now ask Him to break it.  Ask Him to show you specifically how you can use the position He’s given you to serve those less fortunate.  Ask Him to see people the way He sees people and to love others the way He does.  Let’s put ourselves aside . . . we’re not better than the next guy.

2 years of Aaven!!!!!!! Happy Birthday love guy!

Baby Blue

by Jonathan Edralin

(written August 12, 2009)

Baby Aaven is a boy

Baby Aaven is our joy

Baby Aaven is so fun

Baby Aaven is our son

Aaven boy is a cuddle

Aaven boy will splash a puddle

Our baby boy smiles so sweet

Our baby boy has little feet

Our little guy will be  so silly

Our little guy will play with Billy

Baby Aaven will like to sing

Baby Aaven will like Miming

Aaven boy's cheeks are so rosy

Aaven boy will hug cousin Josi

Baby Aaven's a gift from above

Baby Aaven is very loved!

AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!  Aaven turns 2 today!!!!  I have a 2 year old!?!?!  This has been the most amazing 2 years of my life.  It has been full of change, challenges, and blessings. There is nothing I can do other then be thankful to our Lord for His guidance and provisions.  I can't even imagine what it will be like to love another little kid, it's too much!  =) 

Jon wrote the above poem a month before Aaven was born.  Aaven was so loved and we didn't even meet him yet.  It's amazing how love works . . . it just exists, then it grows and spreads and when you think there's no more left to give, it turns out there is!  God is awesome and it's amazing that God is love.  His love rocks!!!!! 

 Jon and I are very blessed to have had 2 years with our gooby son and we are looking forward to many more years of adventures to come.