In Darkness

Aavs has the best seat!  Relax and Enjoy the Ride!

I feel like I'm in darkness.  I don't know what's in store for my life, where I'm going, when I'll be leaving, what I'll be doing . . . and so on.  Some people are able to make 10 year life plans, Jon and I have only ever been able to plan a few years of our life because  God always changes our plans.  Even those few years we plan always get changed.  I'm not saying it's bad to plan ahead, in fact, I think it's good and productive.  Just for our life, we've found that making long term plans don't work for us.  So we set our goals based on the next couple of years, we have a vague idea of what we're gonna do within that timeframe and we remain open and willing for God to move His hand around and within that time to change our lives yet again.

That's the thing with God, He will always change us if we let Him.  He'll change our individual selves, our surroundings, our atmosphere.  He will change us and it's always for the better. Sometimes that process of change hurts.  Right now I feel like I'm in the darkness.  Although I fully trust Him with my entire life and everything in it, it's still hard to not be sure of what's going to happen.  Right now I feel like I'm in the dark with my life.  I don't know where I will be as a person in the next few weeks, months, years.  I mean, I know my roles and responsibilities as a wife and mother but I'm not sure about the other stuff.  I feel like it's my birthday and He's leading me blindfolded to an amazing party.  It's good coz I know it's gonna end up being something great, but the whole being led blindfolded is what scares me.  I randomly opened the Bible this morning and found this passage that somewhat describes how I feel . . .

        “But he stands alone, and who can oppose him? He does whatever he pleases. He carries out his decree against me, and many such plans he still has in store. That is why I am terrified before him; when I think of all this, I fear him. God has made my heart faint; the Almighty has terrified me. Yet I am not silenced by the     darkness, by the thick darkness that covers my face." (Job 23:13-17 NIV)

Now I know I am no Job and that the things he went through are not comparable to me at all, but the idea of how great He is and how much control He has really brought me to revere Him once again.  I made the choice to commit my life entirely to Him.  Sometimes it hurts coz I feel like I have no control, no say, in my life . . . but at the same time I feel peace because I can rest, knowing that He's taking care of me, He's got it all under control.  Even though I may be in 'darkness' I know I'm on my way to greater things, an amazing surprise.  I don't like driving and I love being a passenger, it means I can enjoy the ride to our destination without worrying about how I'm getting there.  I gave Him my drivers seat, so now I can just rest.  I just have to remember not to be an annoying back seat driver. :p

btw . . . here's the song I've been jamming to while writing, thought I'd share =)   "All I Need Is You"

BRAINWASHED

"Huh? A battle in our minds?"

Happy New Year!!!!  It's late yes, but at least it's still January!!!!!  So, I'm reading this book called "Change Your Heart, Change Your Life" by Gary Smalley . . . yes, I'm actually reading.  It's all about how our circumstances/situations don't control our happiness and how we should change the beliefs in our mind by changing our hearts thus changing our reactions to every situation.  There's a lot more to it but basically we can all be joyful in everything, it's up to us. Our minds are underestimated controllers of our emotions.  Have you ever thought bad thoughts about things that might happen or have imaginary fights in your head with people?  Then after you're all mad about everything and no one knows why.  Yup, that's the mind.  It's crazy.  I do that alll the time and I really should stop.  What the book talks about is basically brainwashing your mind to the promises found in His word.  Seriously hide the beliefs in your heart and believe them and soon your reactions, your emotional stability, everything doesn't seem to suck as bad.  I'm doing the book no justice, just read it.  I never read and I'm actually reading!!!!

There's a lot of new stuff going on this year.  New ministries, new trials, new hurts, new disappointments, and a whole lot of unknowns.  When I don't know what's going on in my life I tend to go a little crazy.  I worry, I create scenarios and obstacles in my head (that may in fact never happen), and I become tense and short tempered.  A good friend of mine recommended this book to me and we are doing it together.  We meet to talk about it and she has been a complete blessing and encouragement to me.  I think when we are faced with the stuff that life throws at us, we really need to surround ourselves with good encouraging people who can pray with/for us.  We need to turn to God first and foremost so we know we're not alone, to remember that we are holding His hand so we'll never get lost.  We need to be brainwashed, get rid of all the bad stuff in our mind that tells us we're not good enough, or we're not loved, or that everything sucks.  We need to wash our brains (get it, brain-wash) and fill it with good, productive, true thoughts.  We need to immerse ourselves in truth, love, and all good stuff so that when the bad stuff happens, we have an abundant amount of strength and joy to protect us from letting the bad control our lives.

There is always a battle, but we have already won.

On a side note, I was battling this morning, my mind was taking over with bad stuff and everyone could tell coz I was acting all crazy and mad this morning (for no good reason).  My amazing husband offerred to watch the kids AND do laundry so I can get out of the house (it was probably his nice way of saying "Please leave, we can't stand you right now").  He offered to do laundry so he was probably really desperate.  Anywho, after meditating on His word and having some time to really commit my day to Him, I feel a lot better and I will return home a happy and loving person! See how powerful the mind is?  Take control of your mind and I guarantee you can control your emotions and actions!  God rocks!!!!!!

"Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4:8

What's Up Doc?

So I have some time once again in Tim Hortons.  Today it's a white hot chocolate and too many cookies for one person but oh well!  There are so many things I wanna say to all the wonderful people who may read this.  I guess this will just be an update on what's been happening in the past few months and what's gonna happen in the months to come.  I totally would rather tell you what's up in person and hear what's up with you in person but sometimes it's hard to do with a toddler clinging to my leg and a baby  hanging off my arms but I guess blogging should do!  =)

Aaven: My little baby turned 3 on September 15th!!!!!  AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!  He's into fighting (probably because of the new muay thai ministry), his little babies (stuffed little animals he treats as babies . . . a little weird but very cute), and saying mommy every 23 seconds . . . literally.  He's potty training right now, yay me.  It's hit and miss . . . literally.

Myla:  She's turning 1 this December 5!!!!!!  Sooo fast!!!  She's into smiling, throwing food on the ground, and climbing up the stairs (but she's not allowed!!!!).  She's so special and awesome.  I call her my hairless, big tooth wonder.  She also learned to walk and looks like a zombie doing it!!!!  I feel sad coz it's like I missed out on her year of life coz I had to share my time with Aavs.  I miss her childhood!!!!  Jon assures me she won't remember.  =)

Jon:  My husband turned 30 on November 22!!!!!!!  I love him so much!  I am so proud of him and so blessed to be by his side.  30 wonderful years of life, 13 of them he was blessed to share with me! ;)  He's doing a lot, busy with Tuesday House Church, Thursday Muay Thai, and new ministry opportunities which he'll update the world on. =)

Myself:  As of October 8, I am a young 29! :p  Busy potty training, aiding a teething baby, supporting an amazing husband, and sneaking naps in as often as I can!  A job opportunity came up and I almost started working . . . it consisted of international traveling so it didn't happen but I think I am now mentally prepared to return to work if an opportunity arises. I originally wasn't planning to work until Aavs started school next September but if there's an opportunity, I'm gonna trade these jogging pants for jogging pants that could pass as dress pants!  =)  So, if any of you know of a job opening for admin of some sort, let me know!  =)

Things to come . . . lots of stuff I'm sure! hee hee, well, Christmas!!!!!!  We are so super excited to share Christmas again with all our family here.  It will be Myla's first winter and Canadian Christmas!!!!  Aaven sometimes wakes up crying "I'll never find winter", so I'm sure he can't wait for snowfall.

Anywho, that's all for me!!!!!  I hope you are all doing well and please let me know if there's anything for you I can pray for.  =)  You can email me at carmi_rose@hotmail.com or facebook me!  Looking forward to seeing your face, yeah you, I mean you!  =)  Love and Blessings!

Wearing Thin

How I feel on the inside, displayed on the outside. :p

I feel like a rubber band being pulled so far that I'm about to snap.  I feel overwhelmed by the little mundane tasks of everyday life.  I feel the pressures and expectations from those around me.  I feel weak.  I feel alone in a crowd.  It feels like it just doesn't stop.  And surprise, surprise, it doesn't stop.  Every day it happens all over again. Life happens.

Although this is me venting, it is also me working out loud how to help myself.  What can I do?  What is God trying to teach me?  Firstly, I hear him saying "you're doing it all wrong".  I'm doing it wrong.  I'm waking up every morning dreading the day.  I should be finding my strength in Him.  I should be giving it to Him instead of living with my feet dragging, I should be letting Him carry me.  I'm not letting Him carry me.  I'm like a kid complaining how tired I am of walking yet never asks to be carried.  Lord carry me.

I need to step away sometimes from who I am to others to reflect on who I am in Him.  Sometimes the role of being a wife, mother, friend, and so on gets to be a lot.  I feel like I have a lot to do for others, I feel like I'm wearing thin, being spread too far.  This is when I need to step back and remember who I am in Him, to focus on who He wants me to be and to find strength in Him.  Right now I'm in Tim Hortons doing that.  Finding myself in Him (and in a french vanilla cappuccino!)  I haven't blogged since June and it feels like I haven't had my own time since then. I'm sure I have, it just doesn't feel like it.

If you're reading this, I know you must be able to relate.  Life beats us up sometimes.  Life feels tiring, tearing, and troublesome. Sometimes we wake up not looking forward to the day that lies ahead.  We feel like everyday is the same old mundane routine of life, not knowing when the cycle will change or end.  It's at this point we must step away and focus on Him, who we are in Him, and what we need to do for Him.  It's all about Him, and not about us.

I feel better now.  hee hee.  After some devotion, reflection, and hardcore prayer (and chicken salad sandwich on a cheese croissant) I feel like I am reminded of what He calls me to do.  And whatever that is, I am going to do it thankfully.  As Col. 3:17 reminds me "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

As Anna Nalick sang "these are my diaries spoken out loud". Thanks for sharing my life with me!  =)

Who Am I?

Tired mom and gooby kids. =)

I kinda don't remember who I am anymore.  I mean, I know who I am but sometimes I'm so busy fulfilling my 'role' as wife and  mother that I forget that I am Carmi, a person.  Sounds funny, I know. Everyday is the same for me.  Someone once asked what I was doing over the long weekend and I was like "it's a long weekend?" coz everyday is the same when you're a stay at home mom.  Don't get me wrong, I am blessed, satisfied, joyful, and happy being a stay at home mom.  I love my kids and I love this role God has set out for me.  It's just sometimes we moms need some time to get back to who we are apart from the hustle and bustle.

My very amazing husband offered to take the kids for a couple of hours so I could have some alone time.  He usually does this when he notices I'm crying over spilled milk (literally), putting Aaven's clothes on Myla, or I complain I haven't taken a shower in a week (gross, i know).  Now I am in Tim Hortons, reflecting on my life and the goodness of our God.  I get to eat this donut slowly without sharing, check my email without a baby tapping on the keyboard, and think about who God made me to be and what He wants me to do with it.

I am still Carmi, just a different kind.  I'm mom Carmi now. I now miss great girl time events coz of sick babies, when I go out I am on curfew coz babies have bedtimes, I have permanent bodily wiggles and jiggles and my kids can play snake and ladders on my stretch marks.  But I am still me.

On a side note, I have realized that I'm not young and cool anymore (if I ever was to begin with).  I was at a youth event a few weeks ago.  I thought I was one of the youth, just jammin to music and talking to friends.  The next day I saw one of the guys who were at the youth event and he was like "Hey, you're that mom from last night".  That mom?  I'm not that pretty girl from last night, or that cool chick hanging out last night? I'm now that mom.  It aged me instantly.  So, in conclusion, I just wanna share to whoever may read this that moms are people too. Sometimes they are people who would like to be referred to as pretty mommas, cool chicks who make chicks, and mother awesomeness. But really, moms are just like you, someone else's child.

NOTHING'S WAITING FOR YOU!!!!!!

Life doesn't stop moving.  Time doesn't stop.  Everything keeps moving . . . and so should we.

We just moved back to Canada, we're exactly where we were 2 years ago. It's the same, but different.  God has plans, we have our paths, and we should keep moving forward.  Do new things, and have new experiences.  Our life in the Philippines taught us so many new things, opened our eyes to do things in new ways and more importantly, to not be afraid to try something new.  What I feared was that returning home to Canada would bring us exactly where we last were.  As if nothing happened.  That's a waste.  I don't want the past 2 years to feel like a waste, and it would be if we came back and did exactly what we were doing, it would be a waste if nothing changed.

Oh where has the time gone?

When stuff happens I believe God is doing something, teaching us, giving us opportunities.  I don't think He wants us to live life sitting still, I believe He wants us to do something, to keep moving forward.  When we were in the Philippines, our lives changed.  Being back home feels the same, but different. Our surroundings may be the same, but we are different.  We know we are called to do something different, to try something new, we are waiting for His timing to do so.  When something happens in our lives, let us be open to change, let us be open to movement.  Nothing stops, everything keeps moving, and so should we.  Let's move forward in our lives, let us not be stuck in a mindset, but instead let us be free to experience His ability to change us and our circumstances. Time doesn't stop, so why should we?

The Adventure Continues . . .

The best Starbucks on planet earth!!!!

I was thankful to be given an hour to leave my house and be by myself while Jon watched our attached and needy children.  I went to my favorite ‘alone time’ spot, Starbucks.  Just on a sidenote, this is no ordinary Starbucks. This is a “Cheers” kind of Starbucks where ‘everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came’.  They know my name, my order, my family, I know their names, their shifts, and their voices.  They are a home away from home.  I’ve grown to love the atmosphere there.  So I sat in my usual comfy couch with my drink and my journal.  I reflected on God’s calling to me this past year, my experiences, and the upcoming ‘unknown’.

God’s amazing.  He really knows what He is doing, especially when we do not.  We came here almost a year and a half ago thinking we knew what to expect.  This past year was the year of the ‘unexpected’.  God works, we just follow.  I am thankful for this time in the Philippines.  I’m grateful for the ministries, the people, the experiences, and the life changing shift of calling.  There are so many things I want to say, express, explain but I think it would take too long and it may be one of those things that only I’m supposed to understand coz God wrote it out just for me.  What I can say is that when we follow God, He leads us to exactly where we need to be.  We thought we knew what we needed, where we wanted to be, and what we wanted to do.  We had to let go of our own expectations in our life and be open to God’s leading.  Everything changed . . . for the better, no actually, for the best!  Thanks be to God.

Over a year ago I was pondering the unknown.  What are we going to do in the Philippines, where are we going to live, how am I going to raise my child in a country foreign to me?  All I knew for sure was that His calling is greater then my fears.  We went where we were called and are blessed by His leading.  Here I am again pondering the unknown.  We’re coming ‘home’ in about a week.  It’s funny how something I’ve known so well and called home for my entire life is now my ‘unknown’.  I don’t know exactly what we’re going to do in Canada, how we’re going to do this financially, what ministries we will begin.  We will arrive, unpack, and wait for Him.  I fear Canada as it is now my new ‘unknown’.  I don’t know what’s going on but again all I know for sure is that His calling is greater then my fears. A friend said that we’re in a good position because the less ties and structure we have in our life, the more free we are to follow His leading.  I kinda feel that way.  I feel like at this point we can go anywhere and do anything because there’s nothing holding us down.  We are free to move forward. I guess that’s what being a Christian is all about, reminding ourselves to let go of the things that are unnecessary and live freely in Christ.  I had to move across the world to really learn that.  I like how the next step is ‘unknown’ and how I feel like I have to put ‘home’ in parentheses . . . it just reminds me that we have a mission, and a purpose and everyday is an adventure.  One day I will be going home, until then there’s work to be done.